The Customer is Always Right (Unless They're Wrong)

Today was one of those hectic days that makes me stop and realise how much I hate my life.

They don't come around all that often, which is good because I hate it when they do. I was working a full-day at The Cafe (7:30am -4:30pm, which I realise is not what you white collar workers consider a 'full-day' of work but is a hell of a long time to be on your feet) and I was getting absolutely slammed. It's like everybody woke up this morning and thought "Hey, let's go to that little cafe in Surry Hills and harrass the floor waitress by being the shining example of the worst customers ever."

They arrived in droves and they just kept on coming. I couldn't keep up with the demands and had so many hands waving in my face I was worried I'd lose an eye. As I cleaned up after a table of four, with the next group anxiously tapping their feet in wait, I remembered what it was I hated about waitressing.

1. You go through shoes at least once every 3-6 months. With so much oil and food particles ending up on the kitchen floor, not only do your shoes start to stink, but they start to rot. It's gross. You quickly learn not to wear your favourite shoes to work because they will only end up in the trash (tied up in a bag, inside another bag). Even Volleys aren't immune to this fate.

2. The menu is not a guide. The menu isn't there to look pretty and to give you an idea of what the cafe keeps in stock so you can make up your own dish at will. The menu is the menu. And, dear customers, if you don't want what is on the gourmet sandwich you're looking at, then take your lazy butt up to the sandwich shop where they will happily cater to your fussy preferences. Being picky not only makes the waitresses and the kitchen staff annoyed, but it slows everyone down which means you don't get your meal as fast as you'd like. So really, the only person suffering is you. Oh, and me.

3. Customers who get agitated because their detail deficient ordering means I have to ask a lot of questions.
Example:

Customer: "I'll have the beef sandwhich please."
Me: "What kind of bread would you like that on?"
Customer: "Well, what kind of bread do you have?"
Me (in my head): They're written on the menu you idiot! Stop wasting my time!"
Me: "We have sour dough, multi grain, soy and linseed or turkish."
Customer: "Sour dough."
Me: "And would you like your sandwich toasted?"
Customer: sighing and looking agitated. "Yes."
Me: "And would you like a drink?"
Customer: "Yes, I would."
Me: "And what would you like?"
Customer: "A bottle of water please."
Me: "Would you like table water or to purchase a bottle of still or sparkling?"
Customer: looking even more agitated. "Table water"
Me: "Is there anything else?"
Customer: "Yes, I want a coffee."
Me: "What kind of coffee would you like?"
Customer: "A long black with a side of milk."
Me: "Would you like hot milk or cold milk."
Customer: "What is this? A bloody interrogation?"
Me (in my head): Well if you bloody said what you wanted, I wouldn't have to ask you so many questions! Make up your mind before you wave me over and we won't have to have this stupid conversation!

End Scene.

4. Customers who think they're first to be served as as soon as they've sat down. If you've come into a cafe that is packed to the rafters and you've managed to find a seat, the first thing you should do is be greatful you found a seat at all. And then sit tight. If the waitress is running around like a chook with her head cut off, that means she's busy. If she doesn't come over to you right away, it doesn't mean she's a terrible waitress who deserves to be burnt at the stake. It means she's busy. If you wave at her like you're drowning in a rip and she acknowledges you, that means she knows you're there and she'll be with you when she can. If there are other customers waiting to be served, that means they've been waiting longer than you and therefore the waitress will serve them first. SO WAIT YOUR BLOODY TURN! SHE'S BUSY!

5. Customers who butt in. If I could punch every customer who's butted in while I've been serving someone else, half of Brisbane and half of Sydney would be walking around with black eyes. Customers who butt in are generally regular customers who have forged some kind of 'surface level friendship' (which isn't a real friendship, it's only surface level) with the waitressing staff and therefore believe they are of greater importance than all other customers. They're not. They've just a regular customer who is butting in.

6. Regular customers who expect special attention. I would walk over hot coals for some of my regular customers, they are that nice and understanding. Others, I would throw onto the coals and then break dance all over. Just because a customer comes in every day, orders the same thing and are known by name, doesn't mean they can make demands or demand special attention. Yes, you're a paying customer, therefore you are going to pay for the same service everybody else in the cafe is paying for. Unless you want to tip me for it and then you can have whatever you want. I'll crown you the King of Sheba and kiss your feet if it means you'll stuff 5 bucks in the tip jar. But unless that's the case, no deal.

7. Sore feet. You think wearing uncomfortable heels to work is bad? Try being on your feet for 8 hours straight.

8. Customers who order one thing and once you've written it down, change their mind so you have to scribble it out and make the docket messy and confusing. And two minutes after you've handed the docket into the kitchen, decide they want rye toast instead of sour dough because they suddenly realised that sour dough is white bread in disguise and is full of carbs which would make them fat and unlovable. So you have to piss-bolt into the kitchen and change it before the naive kitchen hand puts the sour dough on and wastes a perfectly good piece of bread on a customer who is too indecisive for their own sanity.

9. The general lack of gratitude and the misunderstanding that just because I'm a waitress, means I'm a stupid, uneducated nit wit. Sometimes, I feel like printing a T-Shirt for work that says, This is not my real job. This is a no-other option job. This is so I can pay my bills and feed myself when I'm hungry. I'm actually a hard-working freelance journalist, who once worked as a full-time writer for a credible publication but now works from home and only gets paid when she gets commissioned. I went to University. I got a degree. I graduated with honours. I'm smart and savvy and independent. I'm not just a waitress with a death wish. SO STOP JUDGING ME!

10. Coming home at the end of the day with coffee splatter on your legs, arms and somehow behind your ears, coffee grind underneath your fingernails, second-hand smoke in your hair (and lungs), the stink of sweat and food all over your clothes and a general dissatisfaction with the world.

I know most people (and for a time, myself included) think that waitressing is a second class job. But I beg you, for the sanity of waitresses everywhere who are actually out-of-work artists trying to get by or university students trying to pay their rent or suddenly unemployed struggling freelancers who are going overseas in two months and need to make an much money as possible, by any means possible.... be kind to your waitress.

And give her a bloody big tip, because she may just write a rip-snorting blog which could turn your name to mud.

Ciao for now. xo