KH COMMENTARY: Speed Daters

A certain individual of some importance and closeness to me who will remain completely unidentified for the sake of her reputation (and for the sake of my pretty face which she will put her fist in if I let so much as her initials slip out) had an interesting experience the other night. Having recently been on three dates with a boy, all PG-rated, she became the recipient of a bit of Valentine's Day gift giving - a box of chocolates to mark the mighty hallmark holiday. 

This wouldn't have been a problem if it weren't for a few small, not necessarily life-threatening, but nevertheless important things:

1. She hates Valentine's Day. Not in that, "I hate Valentine's Day, but am keeping all fingers, toes and apendages crossed and am saying fifty Hail Mary's that somebody gives me a box of chocolates" way that some women 'hate' Valentine's Day. She really does, actually, hate Valentine's Day and couldn't care if her seven-year-long boyfriend or the boy she's been on three PG-rated dates with gave her a box of chocolates or not. 

2. Despite 'telling' or more so 'obviously hinting' to this boy that she didn't want to do or receive anything for Valentine's Day, she still ended up the recipient of a box of chocolates. And feeling like her words go through one ear and out the other, just don't sit well with her.

3. She doesn't like chocolates - not really. Come on, who doesn't like chocolates?

4. In the space of a fortnight, she'd been out with him three times and received at least one communication from him every day. For someone who is feeling mutually affectionate, this would be good news. For someone who is feeling smothered, this is like a blanket.

5. And this being the kicker so get ready for it - before the box of chocolate gift-giving, she was planning on ending it. But because of the chocolate gift-giving, she now has a box of chocolates, a boyfriend she's not quite sure how she got and a really awkward conversation coming her way.

But so it is with speed daters. I'm not talking about a bunch of single guys and gals sitting around a coffee shop rotating between five minute conversations in the hope that they become Mr or Mrs Right. 'Speed daters' are another thing entirely. They're the kind of boy or girl who launch into a relationship before it can officially be coined 'a relationship' and take things a little too fast and furious (and only if you're lucky, do they look like Vin Deisel or Paul Walker and if they do... then what the hell are you complaining about!?)

'Speed daters' are difficult to handle because they're usually really sweet, but the kind that perhaps don't see a relationship come around too often so when it does, want to grab onto it with both hands and never ever EVER let it go. They just want to do everything right by you and 'the relationship, that they consequently end up doing everything wrong - over-messaging, over-complimenting, over-everythinging to the point where 'the relationship' becomes so lop-sided it's limping.

But it's hard to hate speed daters because usually, they're not even aware they're doing it. What they think is a harmless Valentine's Day box of chocolates is a bright red ABORT button to the person they're dating. They're like a kid who thinks they're helping mum clean up the house but are actually making even more of a mess - totally oblivious to the fact that they might be doing something wrong.

Taking further action with a speed dater depends on the speed you'd prefer against the severity of his current speed (once again, if they look anything like Keanu Reeves well then... you're just being picky). Use these following examples as a guide:

60 in a 40 Zone: You're going a little faster than intended. He's a bit too eager to catch up and there's a spot of over-messaging. If you really like him and think he might just be a bit over-eager, then gently tapping on the breaks ought to do the job - a few friendly words should bring him back under the limit. But remember, 40 is a danger zone so the sooner you slow things down, the better.

80 in a 40 Zone:  It's been a fortnight and he's calling himself your boyfriend. He's put it into fourth gear and if he isn't stopped, there's going to be a fatality. Best to slam on the breaks and get out of the vehicle while you can. 

100 in a 40 Zone: He wants you to meet his parents - on the second date. Too fast, way way too fast. Call the police yourself. Somebody needs to pull him over.  

120 in a 40 Zone: For the first date, he invites you to his house for dinner where you see he's doodled your married name on a peice of scrap paper. GET OUT OF THE CAR!

140 in a 40 Zone: He proposes over 'casual drinks' and you end up in a head-on collision.

Needless to say, when it comes to speed daters, speed is no one's friend (or boyfriend).

But then again, you do end up with a hell of a lot of chocolate.

Ciao for now. xo