MAIL BOX: Dear Prince William

Dear Prince William,

RE: The attention you are receiving upon your current tour Down Under. Don't get too excited (Heaven forbid, should you show show more than an eye-twitch of emotion).

I don't mean for this letter to be cutting or offensive or to hurt your royal feelings. I know you've had a really tough life. Being second in line for the throne must be a huge weight on your mind. I mean, how you manage to pull yourself out of your 1,000,000 thread Egyptian cotten sheets each day is truly commendable. And then you have your crazy family - a father with the personality of wet mop, a step-mother who has the face of a thoroughbred gold-digger, a brother who is a ranga (but a sexy one at that) and a grandmother with a truly spectacular taste in hats. Don't worry, I understand. Life's a bitch.

But as you tour our fine country, I feel there's been a few misunderstandings on your behalf and therefore, was compelled to write this letter in order to set the record straight. If you're going to be our Future King, I want us all to be on the same page, so listen closely and try not get side-tracked by the high-pitched squeals of your dedicated followers.

The first issue I want to address is our relationship. I know everytime you look into the crowd, there's one face in particular you're looking for but I'm sorry to say, I just haven't been there. I know you came to Redfern in particular because you know I live close by and you were keeping your royal fingers crossed that I might rock up to see you, but I'm sorry, I chose to stay home that day and clean out my kitchen drain. I just think our relationship hasn't got the kind of future I can invest in. You need the kind of girl who'll treat every day like it's a trip to the races and wear stupid hats which match her plaid pin skirt. That's just not me. Maybe someone more like that Kate Middleton lass everyone says you've been seeing back in London. If you think you're having trouble getting the family to approve of her, there's no way you want to bring me home to meet Grandma.

The second issue I feel compelled to speak to you about is all this female attention you've been receiving while in Australia. I know it must be a huge boost to your ego and hard not to let your head swell while in the presence of our snap-happy paparazzi, but it seems you're handling it pretty well. That being said, don't get too carried away. While I know you're a top guy, the reason all those women stood out in the January sun hoping you might so much as accidently flick them with your sweat was 20 percent due to your boyish good-looks and about 80 pecent due to the fact that the title that preceeds your name is 'Prince'.

I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but the truth often hurts I'm afraid. And when you break it down, it really has nothing to do with you. It's to do with females in general and our Cinderella Complex. No matter who you are or where you hail from, every woman is hoping that one day a Prince (and we're talking a literal Prince like yourself, not figuratively) will come along and save her from her pathetic life scrubbing the floors. And guaranteed, every woman who flailed her arms in front of you like she was drowning in your very presence was hoping you might see her and immediately know that 'she was the one'.

Blame Princess bloody Mary of Denmark. Until she came along, the Cinderella Complex was metaphorical. We all hoped it might one day happen, but knew that the chances were about 0.000001 to fifty bazillion. But then Frederick spied her in a bar, put a ring on her finger and a crown on her head and turned the Cinderella Complex tangible.

So as you wing your way to Melbourne, where another city of screaming women await your regal presence, try and remember that all this attention is purely a result of thousands of years of fairy tales. That to these women, you are a beautiful idea. A proverbial white night come to potentially save them from having to scrub the floors any longer.

And if one of them loses a slipper, best leave it to the security guards to handle. That's just a little advice from me to you.

All the best on your return to Buckingham Palace. Give Grandma a kiss for me (and your brother as well. I'd ask to pass on more than a kiss, but that would be incestuous and your family have had enough scandal as it is.)

Ciao for now

KH.