So as I continue my journey through Textbook Romance, I continue to learn more and more about the male species and the art of seducing them with all but a few batted eyelashes and a lip-glossed pout. You could say this book has taken over my life - you could say that, but we won't because that would mean I really am pathetic and I want to live in the Land of Denial for as long as denyingly possible.
But while Zoe Foster has brought up many things which have caused me to stop and consider my current habits, she did make one comment which has lodged itself in my brain like a splinter in your thumb and has forced me to reflect on those things which aren't too pleasant to reflect on
"Every guy comes into your life for a reason, so learn and grow from them blah blah blah..." - or something or other like that.
Hmm...what an interesting and vomitous thought. It was hard enough moving on from those relationships and not-quite-relationships and didn't-even-know-I-existed-one-sided-kinda relationships that I've had (or haven't had, for that matter) that the idea of reflecting on them is as about as pleasant as ripping stitches out of a wound. But if I'm going to do this and going to do it right, I feel it's important to work out what I should have supposedly 'learnt' from my Ghosts of Boyfriends Past.
(This is a work of non-fiction. All men described are in fact real, breathing males, but in order to keep their identities disclosed they will remain un-named and any particularly revealing features undescribed...but you know who you are...)
1. Mr. Caromello Koala - I was in Year Seven, was twelve years old, had finally got rid of my braces and was starting to feel like I had something to offer the male species other than a mouth full of metal - which is never a pretty sight. Mr Caromello Koala (and you'll find out why he was christened with such a name in a minute) thought I was a bit of something/something and asked me if I wanted to 'go out' (which is what you do when your twelve - 'go out' - not really go anywhere or do anything, just 'go out'). I didn't really think all that much of him, but my stomach was thinking a whole lot about the Fundraising Caromello Koalas that were currently on sale at the Canteen. So I told him that I would 'go out' with him if he bought me a Caromello Koala. He didnt:
What I learnt: Black-mailing is not an efficient way of starting a relationship.
2. Mr. First Ever (Rebounding) Boyfriend - I was in Year Eight and Mr First Ever (Rebounding) Boyfriend had just broken up with one of my best friends. This time, I thought he was a bit of something/something so two days after they broke up (after asking her permission, of course, what kind of friend do you think I am?) Mr First Ever (Rebounding) Boyfriend and I started 'going out'. For two glorious weeks, I spent hours infront of the mirror primping my perfect self before skipping off to school, sat next to him at lunch time, doodled our marriend name on my pencil case until one day his best friend came and abruptly told me, "You're dumped".
What I learnt: It's never nice to be 'the rebound' and one shouldn't doodle potential married names on one's pencil case with permanent marker.
3. Mr. Second Ever (Boooooring) Boyfriend - I was in Year Nine and was about as in love with Mr Second Ever (Boooring) Boyfriend as a dog is in love with its ball. And just like a dog with its ball, I was prepared to play as much fetch as he was willing to offer. I chased that boy all day and night until finally he succumbed, we started 'going out' and I had what I wanted. But the one thing worse than not having what you want, is finally getting what you want. After about an hour, I was bored, missed being single, dumped his sorry ass and started looking for a new ball to chase.
What I learnt: When it comes to relationships, sometimes women behave more like men then we'd care to admit to.
4. Mr. Friend of Sister Dearest- Like all true younger siblings, there has come a point in my life where I have longed for the affection of one of my sister's friends. It's just one of those Rights of Passage that all younger siblings must go through and learn from.Unfortunately, my affection was purely one-sided which didn't bode well for my poor sixteen-year-old self and I was left nursing a slightly fractured heart.
What I learnt: There comes a point where you must cover every inch of everything you own with little, yellow post-it notes saying He's Just Not That In To You until you get the picture. But just because it doesn't work out like your poor sixteen-year-old self hopes, doesn't mean you can't go on to become good friends.
5. Mr. He Knows I Like Him But Isn't Going To Do Anything About It Other Than Continue To Flirt With Me So That I Continue To Boost His Ego With My One-Sided Affection - So I've moved on from silly teenager-flings and have entered the bold new world of adult-dating. And I couldn't have chosen a worse boy to fall head over heels for. Think of me like an innocent little moth, flapping my way around in the dark until suddenly I spy a big bright light. I become hypnotised by how wonderful I think the light is and consequently bob around it hoping that it will notice me right back. But as much as I love the light and as much as the light loves having me bob around it like he's the Light of the World, the light doesn't really give two tosses about me and has no problem switching himself off and suddenly becoming unavailable without any prior notice.
What I learnt: Not to be sucked in by boys with pretty smiles and flirtacious natures, because 999 times about of a thousand, they tend to be nothing but playaas who aren't so much interested in you personally as they are in the personal attention you bestow on them in copius, ego-stroking amounts.
6. Mr. Knows My Name But Doesn't Know I Exist (He does know my name though, right?) - Ahh, yet another one-sided affection to add to my shamelessly growing list. This is a story of a girl who fell hard and fast for a boy who spoke to her once and then proceeded to forget she existed while she pined for him in private. Desperately hoping that Mr. Knows My Name But Doesn't Know I Exist would finally realise I existed resulted in a few too many drunk and crying nights on a few too many occassions.
What I learnt: Don't say "Let's do a bazillion tequila shots" hoping that it might rectify the problem.
7. Mr. Kenmore-Eye Candy Man - I'm going to use this as an example just to really reinforce my pathetic and sorry existence. I have never found out the true name of Mr. Kenmore Eye-Candy Man, nor have I every in fact spoken to Mr. Kenmore Eye-Candy Man, but I promise he is not a figment of my imagination. He was this incredibly attactive boy I saw at church each week and then a few times at University and convinced myself that we would make the perfect couple. We in fact, never so much as passed polite introductions.
What I Learnt: If you don't know his name and he doesn't know yours, a prospective relationship that does not make.
I think that will do for now. I could go on, believe me, I could go on. The list is as long as it is stomach-twistingly cringe-worthy, involving a few bad but love-struck choices and even a swimming pool. But I think reflecting on those sinful seven is enough to reinforce in my mind that perhaps a little self help in the romance department wouldn't go astray....
Ciao for now. xo
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